So, what about Boy’s issues ?

Having looked at my past blogs I suddenly realised how little I have written about men, surprisingly, since almost half of my client base are men.

So, is it the case that men have fewer sexual issues to deal with than women?  In my experience this is far from the truth.  Society and the Media would have us believe differently, but having spoken to many male clients over a wide age spectrum during the last 15 years, my experience is that men struggle with sex and sexual issues on daily basis just as much – if not more – than women.

Of course, one of the main issues is “the male member”.  I am impressed at how many men have given names to their penises; an interesting bonding process which is something women generally do not do.  Perhaps personalising one´s penis explains why men worry more about their genital proportions ... the main questions being: is it big enough, how long is long enough, how can I accurately measure my penis ?  In recent years the male preoccupation has shifted from the length to the girth of the penis and the shape and size of the testicles, which is something women find hard to understand.

Very often men tell me that they feel a huge pressure to perform sexually, to know exactly what they need to do, and “which buttons to push”.  I couldn’t agree more, as I feel that there is more pressure put on men for purely physical reasons. To put it simply: Men have to be aroused in order to “perform”, especially during penetrative sex.  For women it is desirable, but not crucial, to be aroused in order to have sex.

And despite the popular belief that “all men want and think about, all the time, is sex”, men are not robots and cannot acheive and maintain erections on demand.  They are all individuals, just like women, and have personal likes and turn-ons.  And of course dislikes and turn-offs !

Also men are not born with sexual intuition and there is no instruction book to answer all the questions about what their sexual  partners want or like.  Given this, my male clients cannot help but feel pressurised to fulfil their partner’s fantasies.  Women often do expect sexual fireworks, courtesy of their partner, without communicating what they need or desire.

With this in mind my advice to men, and women, is often to revert back to good old fashioned communication and being able to express your sexual desires as well as being able to ask what your partner likes and dislikes in the bedroom.

So, please ... do ask, and do tell !!

So, what about the big O?

Recently one of my clients asked me what orgasm feels like as she was not sure if she ever had experienced one.  This is not an uncommon question for women to ask, but the answer is more complex and needs some consideration.

I did answer her by saying that people have been trying to categorize and summarize orgasm for a very long time, but the truth is that orgasm is a very individual experience and as such we might all experience it in a different way.  Some people describe it as a tensing of the muscles in their body, or letting go/losing control, or feeling like a wave of ecstasy coming over them.

Of course, Orgasm is another area of our sexuality that is so often debated in the media and there appears to be an ever increasing pressure on us to “have” them.  But, as with many things in life the media promotes the concept of “one not being enough”, and that multiple and different variations of orgasms are by and large the norm in everyday life.

So, the debate widens and gets more confusing for men and women alike.

Questions like “What does orgasm feels like ?”, “Can everybody have them ?”, “What is the difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasm ?” are common.  Regading multiple orgasms, “How do I achieve them?” is by far the most common question and even the query “How about breast orgasm?” crops up from time to time!  And women are not the only ones getting confused; men ask if they can have an orgasm without ejaculating and if that constitutes a better quality orgasm.

As an individual and a sex therapist I firmly believe that everybody has a potential to experience an orgasm but that does not necessary mean that they automatically do.  So, why can some people freely orgasm, and why do some find it difficult?  There are many factors of course; like being able to relax and let go, feeling comfortable about ones sexuality, and our partner relatonships are all important aspects to consider.

But I also feel that sex is not, and should not, be only about pursuing orgasms.  Enjoying yourself sexually is the main thing and sex should be all about enjoyment and pleasure.  Putting too much pressure on ourselves and our partners will only result in frustration and a feeling of failure.

If you are really keen to explore this area further and achieve an orgasm then I think you need to start with yourself.  One needs to go back to basics and spend some time exploring one’s body; what we like and enjoy.  Using hand or erotic tools as well as fantasy or erotic books and films will all help to stimulate our senses and get us on our way to the big O.

I wish you fun in exploration !

So, what is all the fuss about masturbation?

I have to be honest and say that I have been postponing writing about the above subject for couple of weeks now.  Just the word itself is often avoided and brings up different feelings for all of us.  But really, what is all the fuss about?

If you search the internet for the word “masturbation”, Wikipedia has a very good analysis from different angles and viewpoints – that being the case, ask yourself when was the last time you heard somebody talking about masturbation?

I often have to stop and think before talking about sex, let alone masturbation, when socializing.  I often need to remind myself that what I do for living makes it easy for me to talk about a broad range of sexual topics, but this does not mean of course that other people find these topics “easy on the ear”.

But let’s just think and imagine how much fun it might be if we could talk about masturbation to our male and female friends.  How liberating might that feel?  We could share our knowledge and experience and they could share theirs; we could all learn so much more.

By not talking about it we are leaving it covered in a veil of secrecy, something that does and should remain hidden and as such often interpreted as naughty, dirty, sinful etc.  So where does the notion of “some things are better left unsaid” come from?  Of course, we could look at different cultures, religions, the way we were brought up, and our families’ attitude to masturbation.  All of these would give us some answers to why this attitude pervades, but not the whole picture.

So, could it be that the answer lies within us as individuals, for not giving ourselves permission to engage with our feelings?

When clients speak to me about their masturbation history and habits, they often use expressions like “I feel dirty” or “it feels sinful”.  When I explore these feelings with them and try to examine what that might be all about, they often get stuck in dissecting why they might feel that way. They might not be particularly religious, and therefore would not have been given negative messages about masturbation while growing up.  So what’s up ?

I often try to put it in very simple terms “Why is touching your own body bad?” We touch other parts of our body for comfort and pleasure, we have massages and pay other people to touch our bodies but we somehow judge ourselves for allowing ourselves to touch our own genitals and erogenous zones.  If touching our own body to give ourselves pleasure is bad, then what about eating chocolate, or cakes, or drinking wine, or having a massage or a pedicure?  Those are things we do not need to do to survive, but we do them for pure enjoyment and pleasure.

So what I propose is to think about, and talk about, the simple pleasure of self-pleasuring - because if we don’t tackle this most natural desire in a pragmatic way it will remain hidden, secretive and something that “dirty old men do” for generations to come.

And we all know that is not the truth, don’t we ?

So, who is your ideal sexual partner?

This question always brings a smile to my face.

As a psychotherapist who sees people with sexual difficulties, one of the many questions I ask - and sometimes I do ask a lot of questions - is who would be their ideal sexual partner.  My clients usually become silent and give me a long look, not being really sure what I am asking them.

Some clients ask me to clarify the question, and I think that some of them might even think that it is a trick question or that there is a right or wrong answer.

Some clients are very sure about the question and respond by saying “You mean like George Clooney/Brad Pitt or Halle Berry/Charlize Theron?”

These responses make me reflect and ask myself - how could it be that we have all somehow got caught up in the idea of what the media wants us to believe is the idea of attractive, sexy and beautiful?  If individuals are frequently promoted by the media as successful and wealthy, does that mean that they are more sexually potent?  Going further with this, how could it be possible that somebody who meets those criteria would make us feel a certain way, and that a sexual encounter with such a person would somehow be mind blowing?

So OK, let’s explore this a bit further ... first of all it is important to understand and accept that there is no perfect or ideal sexual partner.  What I mean is that no one person can embody perfection because perfection does not exist.  Some people are universally accepted as being beautiful, attractive, sexy etc. but even here, personal preferences differ.  If I had to choose, I would much rather have a romantic dinner with Bruce Springsteen than Brad Pitt (but enough about my fantasy) and I am sure all of you have your personal preferences and daydreams.

The question I ask my clients is “what is your ideal sexual encounter and how would you feel with that person”.  It is not necessarily about what that person looks like, and not necessarily how they make us feel, but it is much more about how we feel at that moment in time.  So, for some people it is about the smells and sounds around them, about how and where they are touched, kissed or stimulated.  Of course, we should never forget that it is also about the interaction between two people and the powerful desire to feed on sexual pleasure from each other.

So, next time you read a magazine with title of “Who is you perfect sexual partner” you can just smile in the knowledge that ”beautiful people” do not equal fantastic sex.  The secret to a good sexual experience is knowing what you want and need, and sharing that with your sexual partners.

So, who wants a designer vagina?

If somebody mentioned to you the word “labiaplasty”, you might need to think twice what the meaning of it might be.  Is it a new first-aid treatment for minor cuts and abrasions, or perhaps a fashion accessory?  It is neither, but your second guess would be closer to the real meaning.

Labiaplasty is actually a term for surgery involving the reduction in size of the labia majora and/or minora - the external folds of skin surrounding, and protecting, the structures of the vulva. The medical and sociologic reasons for labial reduction include the correction of labial damage occurring during childbirth, the elimination of pain and discomfort consequent to larger or enlarged labia, and for personal, aesthetic reasons under the banner of cosmetic surgery.

Should we be surprised that such a procedure exists?

I personally don’t think so. As humans, we have been experimenting with our bodies for centuries and an entire medical science, or to be more accurate – industry - has grown out of this in recent decades.  So, it was only a matter of time before we tried to industrially process our genitals.  And while men appear to be more focused on the size of their penises and aim for the XL model when considering genital plastic surgery, a woman’s perspective is somewhat different.

For women, it is about the reduction and beautification of their labias.  So, the inevitable question is Why ? What is the desired model of the perfect vagina or “designer vagina”, as the tabloids might call it?  The answer to that question is very simple – there is no such thing as perfectly formed labia.  Just like our faces, they are all formed from the same basic ingredients, but as nature intended, come with many variations in shape, size and colour.

It is the truth that, for many years, women did not have any real images of other women’s genitals to refer to and the majority of women believe to this day that, in some way, their genitals are not quite “normal”.

I recently read an article addressing the increase in labiaplasty procedures performed on younger women, opting for it for purely esthetic reason. The article also suggested that blame should be pointed at the pornography industry, which is where young women acquire the idea of the “designer vagina” being essential.  Some blame is also pointed at men for needing/wanting their partners to have young, trim and perfect looking labias.  I feel this to be somewhat simplistic, and an unfair answer to the problem.

The reason why any individual woman might choose to have her labia trimmed is very personal and will differ from person to person.  The fact that there are many unpublicised side effects (one being loss of sensation which might affect sexual pleasure) does not appear to deter some women from taking the cosmetic approach.

On balance, I would like to view it as a personal choice - one that should be considered in depth, and one that plastic surgeons should not offer as a first choice.  But before even contemplating it yourself, have a look at the book “Femalia” by Joani Blank which will give you an amazing insight into the world of labia in all shapes and sizes.

So, to squeeze or not to squeeze ?

Most women these days (and some men) know about Kegel or Pelvic floor exercises - though that was not the case some 10-15 years ago when it appeared to be a closely guarded secret of more sexually aware women.  But thanks to the media and a very famous episode of “Sex and the City” more of us are becoming aware of that magic muscle that we should exercise.

A Kegel exercise consists of contracting and relaxing the muscles that form part of the pelvic floor, or in simple terms, the muscles that stop the flow of urine. The advice given is that you should exercise daily, repeating for 20-40 times in duration, twice a day.

There are number of good reasons for ladies “to Kegel” :

·         during pregnancy to prepare for child birth

·         to gain some level of improvement with urinary incontinence

·         to help prevent the prolapse of pelvic organs

Something that is surprisingly less well known is that Kegel exercises are also beneficial for men’s bladder and bowel control, proving a powerful weapon to combat incontinence.

As a sex therapist, I have been recommending these exercises to men and women for years. Apart from the above proven health benefits, Kegels are very good for sexual well being.  The exercises help women (and men) get in touch with their own sexual functioning, and help build a level of confidence which can later be shared with their partner.  It can provide men with stronger erections, and it has a proven success rate in rectifying erection difficulties and premature ejaculation.

For both men and women, stronger Kegel muscles might also mean stronger and sometimes multiple orgasms - do I still have your attention ?!

In France, following the birth of a child, women are offered free consultations with specialist practitioners who will help them get in trim “down below”.  And while some criticism of this approach might be directed at men for wanting/needing their women to get back in shape as quickly as possible, let’s not forget that benefits for us women are huge.

According to a recent survey, an increasing number of electrical devices are now being designed to help women tone their Kegel muscles – and sales of such devices are growing exponentially.  The choice to go high-tech is really down to personal preference, but to me it sounds like automation is the lazy way out.  It is like comparing exercising with a Power Plate to swimming in fresh water.  And let’s not forget that our body is there to be used, and you would be amazed what it can do for us if it is looked after correctly.

As I am finishing this post, and looking at the sun outside, I am doing my exercises ... the environmentally friendly way of course ... so how about you ?

So, how does our culture affects our sexuality?

We all have some level of awareness of the urban myths regarding which nationality makes the best/worst lovers.  It is also very interesting that the surveys on which such myths are based (however objectively the data are collected and analysed) usually relate to male and rarely to female sexual capabilities.

So, according to the latest surveys; German men top the list for being “too smelly”, followed by English who are “too lazy” and Swedish who are apparently “too quick”.  The best lovers, according to the same survey, are Spanish, Brazilian and Italian.  The survey was based on feedback from female travellers, who I guess, have travelled the globe and sampled different cultures (literally).

The above surveys are amusing, interesting and a point of discussion but for me leave a lot of open questions and therefore I wonder even more - how does our culture affect our sexuality?  Because culture is such a wide term; it is our country of birth, our sub-culture, family of origin culture, religion, and even cultural influences we have picked up whilst travelling and living in other countries.

For me that is, personally, very eclectic.  I was raised in Croatia which is mainly a Catholic country but my parents were open-minded to other influences and religion was never a one way street in my house whilst growing up.  I lived in England for over 15 years, have travelled extensively around the world and recently moved to Munich, Bavaria.  Bavaria is, culturally and religiously, predominately Catholic and as such similar to my country of birth.

Of course, my culture and background has had an influence on my sexuality, but I have also acquired things along the way from different cultures and peoples I have come in contact with.  And, let’s not forget that for all of us, sexuality is not a constant but something that changes over our entire life span.

So, the above surveys are not only unfair (mainly on those men who appear to be the target samples), but one must wonder what is the purpose of questioning which culture, race or nationality make “the best lovers”.

As a therapist and somebody interested in all things sexual in humans, I would pose a different question :

What makes a good lover, or even the right lover, for you?

The question is, of course, a million dollar one and the answer more complex than any of us can even imagine.  And, as to the answer ... well, that is a royal can of worms that I will attempt to open soon ... but until that time consider for yourself what, in your opinion, makes a good lover, and the right lover, from your own perspective.

So, what is all the fuss about Willies?

There are many names for male genitals; some funny, some amusing, some puzzling and some even scary.  For the purposes of this article I will refer to them as Willies - as it is a playful and fun term to use for this very complex and often mis-understood part of the male body.  Here goes ...

Men cannot get away from their Willies, which “hang around and catch a breeze” and therefore they discover them very early in life.  Most men have a relatively good relationship with their genitals in their childhood but things can get trickier when they start to compare themselves with other boys at school, and they can’t help thinking “Is mine big enough, is it too big, is it the right shape and also, what about my testicles” ?

I find it very fascinating, as a therapist and a woman, to hear men talk about their private parts - but even more fascinated about the way women feel about the subject.

I was recently reminded of that when a male friend said to me “so why do women dislike Willies?” to which I responded something like “this is not true of all women” and he replied by saying “not all, but many have issues with them”.  I thought about his comments for a while after, and eventually had to admit that indeed, this might be the case for lots of women.  I remembered a number of my female clients who found their partners’ Willies unattractive or even ugly.  They didn’t like the texture, the smell and some of them where certainly not pleased with “all that white stuff that comes out”.  Ejaculate is definitely not on the menu for many women.

The question “why” naturally comes up.  Why is that part of our lover’s body unattractive to so many of us?  After all, a Willy is a part of the whole body and not a separate entity.  By rejecting that very important and cherished part of his body, are we not also rejecting him?

In turn, we as women would like to be accepted as a whole and for all our body parts to be admired and loved.  Some women even enjoy and encourage their lovers to stroke and taste their genitals but are not able/willing to indulge their lovers.

So, what can be done about it - or more importantly - what can you do about it if you belong to the category “I am not really sure about his Willy”?  Firstly, you need to be prepared to look at the whole subject from a different perspective and adopt an alternative attitude.  Ask yourself - why don’t I like it?  Is it something that I heard in my childhood (what is my mother’s/family attitude to it), is it something I read in the newspapers, or heard on the TV or Radio?  Maybe it is now time to adopt your own opinion about it and let go of myths which may have been created in the past.

Most importantly, communicate with your partner.  Be open in explaining how you feel and why you might feel that way, but also ask him about his relationship with his genitals.  Ask him what he likes/likes less, how he likes to be touched and where.

So, the next time you look at his Willy be prepared to view it in a slightly, if not completely, different light – but don’t ever reach for the magnifying glass, as this may not go down too well ...

So ... who is responsible for my orgasm ?

Often in everyday life, in the media and from my clients, I hear the words “I don’t know how to give her an orgasm” or “He cannot give me an orgasm”.  It certainly appears to be more often the case that men think they ought to know how to supply women with orgasms, and many women have become expecting of men to give them orgasms.

So are orgasms something given to us, or something we can - just like that - give to others ?

I think it is a shame that many people, especially women, believe this to be very much the case.  And I am not sure where this belief comes from ... expecting someone else to press all our buttons and figure out how, when, of what and how much we like ?  If we were talking about anything else but sex we will surely protest and declare that we know what we like and how we like it ... our food, our clothes, our holidays etc.

 Don’t get me wrong, men are not completely innocent when it comes to sharing what they want and like sexually.  The difference, in my opinion, is that most men do know what they like sexually but do not share their desires.  On the other hand, most women get stuck at the first hurdle of not knowing what they like sexually, for fear of trying to figure out what they might, or might not enjoy.  

So, while we are not always sure what we want - we expect our lovers to know exactly how, when and where to touch us, and even have the intuition to know when not to touch us!  Does this sound familiar, and even somewhat of a paradox ?

I often say that “we are individually responsible for our own pleasure, and our own orgasms” and this usually results in the few raised eyebrows.  What I mean here is that we need to start with ourselves and find out our own likes and dislikes. We need to learn what turns us on, and off, and then share this delicate information with our lovers - because no-one is a mind reader and none of us are born with an instinct to know what another likes sexually.

The myths of “good girls don’t tell and don’t ask for what they want” and “men should know how to please their partner” should be replaced by “if I don’t know, how can I tell ?” and “if I don’t tell, how will I ever realise my sexual potential or get much pleasure out of sex ?”.

So ... girls and boys ... the choice is yours !

So ... girls to look or not to look?

As a psychosexual therapist I often deliver sexuality and sexual education workshops to the wider public. I have delivered many training days to male, female and mixed gender groups. The groups consisted of people of all ages - ranging from as young as 16 to over 70 years old – which gave me a wide insight into thoughts and viewpoints.

One of the topics which surfaces frequently is the different relationship men and women have with their genitals. Of course, there is a big difference between the sexes ... in males, genitals are external and boys from an early age cannot ignore the fact that their “willy” is there, just hanging around. In females, the situation is quite different. “Private parts” are hidden and for lots of girls, invisible.

Girls often observe their mothers looking in the mirror, fixing their hair or make-up. They are told to go and look in the mirror whilst washing their face. Girls also spend a considerable amount of time looking at themselves in the mirror. But, one thing, as girls, we are never told to look at in the mirror – is our genitals. That part of our body is hardly ever mentioned, let alone observed.

So, let’s fast forward some 10-20 years when the girl becomes a woman. Unfortunately, for lots of women they are still none the wiser when it comes to their genitals. When I ask women in my workshops if they have ever looked at their vaginas a large number say that they never have. Some who have, would only do so to see if everything was ok or to attend to an itch, burn, pain, or some form of discomfort. Some women also only ever look when heavily pregnant. So, it seems that most women only look when “something is wrong or unusual”. Looking “down under” is rarely about exploration, curiosity, intrigue, excitement, or admiration.

So, why is it that as women we rarely look and explore that area, yet at the same time we have become preoccupied with our external looks? Does it fall under the category of “101 things my Mother never told me - but should have” or do we find that part so far removed from who we are?

So, the next time you feel like it, consider spending some time with yourself - and have a look. It will take courage (especially if it is your first time), it might be scary at first but you might be surprised and find yourself amazed at how you really look down there. And, just remember we are all different and that is the beauty of it!!

So, let’s talk about sex ...

I talk about sex a lot; as a sex /psychosexual therapist it is my job to ask questions.  I ask my male and female clients and couples alike to tell me very intimate details about their lives.  I ask about their childhoods, their parents, their siblings, their relationships and, of course, I ask them about sex.

But I do need to constantly keep myself in check and always try to put myself in “my client’s shoes” wondering what must be like to be asked the most intimate questions and share sexual thoughts, feelings and practices with a stranger (well, almost a stranger).

And I never take it for granted; my clients have given me so much knowledge and insight into the female and male perspective on sex and sexuality.  I have learned and continue to learn so much.  I am especially grateful for the insight from my male clients - insight that I, as a woman, never had before and that most women will never have.  So, I feel privileged that men have opened up and told me about how they feel about their penises, about how they learned to masturbate, how they often compared their penises to other boys growing up ... how they fear they are not big enough, small enough or good enough when it comes to sex.

Yes, it is true ... both women and men have insecurities, secrets and anxieties about themselves as sexual beings and with sex as a whole.  So, why are we so confused when it comes to sex?  It has been said that sex is our oldest obsession.  We do obsess about it, read about it, are intrigued and also scared by it.  Some women tell me that they occasionally speak about sex with their girlfriends ... yet interestingly enough, men also tell me that sex is not discussed in any depth with their male friends.

Is that where the problem might be?

Might it be that we are just uncomfortable about sharing sexual things with people around us; who don’t (or won’t) ask, so we don’t (or won’t) tell?  So, what I propose is that we do exactly that; we ask questions about it and we do share when we feel it is right.  This should especially be the case with men and women. If we ask, and share, we will learn so much more about ourselves and about the opposite sex.  I know I will continue to ask questions about sex, and continue to be fascinated by what I learn.

So ...What do you do for living ?

In social or work related situations, what is the most common question people ask you ?

Generally, the question “what do you do for living” would often be asked when meeting people for the first time ...

It often reminds me of an occasion when I attended a friend’s birthday party few years ago. As I was being introduced to some of the people, the inevitable question of one’s occupation/job came up, but before I even had a chance to answer the question my friend responded ‘Monika is a sex therapist’.

Some people around me made a sharp exit, or began giggling, and a few inquisitive ones started to ask questions.  I remember standing there not sure how I felt being introduced as a sex therapist.  What my friend called me was not entirely inaccurate, but the fact that it was said by somebody else and the expression on people’s faces was something that left me wondering.

We have all met people of different professions and more traditional trades such as carpenters, teachers, nurses, social workers - even funeral directors and professional gamblers.

What we do, for most of us, is just a part of our identity and not who we are as a whole person. We are friends, husbands, wives, children, parents – and lovers - among other things. But inevitably the question of what we do for living will come up more often than any other topic.

Part of who I am and what I do is a psychotherapist, sex therapist, counsellor and couple therapist. To this day the mention of “sex therapist” still brings different (and still sometimes unexpected) reactions from people.

So, I am still left wondering - what is it about the word sex that makes people react in such a way ?

Welcome

I am a psychosexual and couple therapist working in the field of sexual health for the past 12 years. I am passonate about sexual issues and sexuality and feel everybody deserves a good sexual life. My work involves helping people reach their potential and deal with their sexual difficulties.

I hope my blog will help you on your way....