So, who is your ideal sexual partner?

This question always brings a smile to my face.

As a psychotherapist who sees people with sexual difficulties, one of the many questions I ask - and sometimes I do ask a lot of questions - is who would be their ideal sexual partner.  My clients usually become silent and give me a long look, not being really sure what I am asking them.

Some clients ask me to clarify the question, and I think that some of them might even think that it is a trick question or that there is a right or wrong answer.

Some clients are very sure about the question and respond by saying “You mean like George Clooney/Brad Pitt or Halle Berry/Charlize Theron?”

These responses make me reflect and ask myself - how could it be that we have all somehow got caught up in the idea of what the media wants us to believe is the idea of attractive, sexy and beautiful?  If individuals are frequently promoted by the media as successful and wealthy, does that mean that they are more sexually potent?  Going further with this, how could it be possible that somebody who meets those criteria would make us feel a certain way, and that a sexual encounter with such a person would somehow be mind blowing?

So OK, let’s explore this a bit further ... first of all it is important to understand and accept that there is no perfect or ideal sexual partner.  What I mean is that no one person can embody perfection because perfection does not exist.  Some people are universally accepted as being beautiful, attractive, sexy etc. but even here, personal preferences differ.  If I had to choose, I would much rather have a romantic dinner with Bruce Springsteen than Brad Pitt (but enough about my fantasy) and I am sure all of you have your personal preferences and daydreams.

The question I ask my clients is “what is your ideal sexual encounter and how would you feel with that person”.  It is not necessarily about what that person looks like, and not necessarily how they make us feel, but it is much more about how we feel at that moment in time.  So, for some people it is about the smells and sounds around them, about how and where they are touched, kissed or stimulated.  Of course, we should never forget that it is also about the interaction between two people and the powerful desire to feed on sexual pleasure from each other.

So, next time you read a magazine with title of “Who is you perfect sexual partner” you can just smile in the knowledge that ”beautiful people” do not equal fantastic sex.  The secret to a good sexual experience is knowing what you want and need, and sharing that with your sexual partners.