So, to squeeze or not to squeeze ?

Most women these days (and some men) know about Kegel or Pelvic floor exercises - though that was not the case some 10-15 years ago when it appeared to be a closely guarded secret of more sexually aware women.  But thanks to the media and a very famous episode of “Sex and the City” more of us are becoming aware of that magic muscle that we should exercise.

A Kegel exercise consists of contracting and relaxing the muscles that form part of the pelvic floor, or in simple terms, the muscles that stop the flow of urine. The advice given is that you should exercise daily, repeating for 20-40 times in duration, twice a day.

There are number of good reasons for ladies “to Kegel” :

·         during pregnancy to prepare for child birth

·         to gain some level of improvement with urinary incontinence

·         to help prevent the prolapse of pelvic organs

Something that is surprisingly less well known is that Kegel exercises are also beneficial for men’s bladder and bowel control, proving a powerful weapon to combat incontinence.

As a sex therapist, I have been recommending these exercises to men and women for years. Apart from the above proven health benefits, Kegels are very good for sexual well being.  The exercises help women (and men) get in touch with their own sexual functioning, and help build a level of confidence which can later be shared with their partner.  It can provide men with stronger erections, and it has a proven success rate in rectifying erection difficulties and premature ejaculation.

For both men and women, stronger Kegel muscles might also mean stronger and sometimes multiple orgasms - do I still have your attention ?!

In France, following the birth of a child, women are offered free consultations with specialist practitioners who will help them get in trim “down below”.  And while some criticism of this approach might be directed at men for wanting/needing their women to get back in shape as quickly as possible, let’s not forget that benefits for us women are huge.

According to a recent survey, an increasing number of electrical devices are now being designed to help women tone their Kegel muscles – and sales of such devices are growing exponentially.  The choice to go high-tech is really down to personal preference, but to me it sounds like automation is the lazy way out.  It is like comparing exercising with a Power Plate to swimming in fresh water.  And let’s not forget that our body is there to be used, and you would be amazed what it can do for us if it is looked after correctly.

As I am finishing this post, and looking at the sun outside, I am doing my exercises ... the environmentally friendly way of course ... so how about you ?

So, how does our culture affects our sexuality?

We all have some level of awareness of the urban myths regarding which nationality makes the best/worst lovers.  It is also very interesting that the surveys on which such myths are based (however objectively the data are collected and analysed) usually relate to male and rarely to female sexual capabilities.

So, according to the latest surveys; German men top the list for being “too smelly”, followed by English who are “too lazy” and Swedish who are apparently “too quick”.  The best lovers, according to the same survey, are Spanish, Brazilian and Italian.  The survey was based on feedback from female travellers, who I guess, have travelled the globe and sampled different cultures (literally).

The above surveys are amusing, interesting and a point of discussion but for me leave a lot of open questions and therefore I wonder even more - how does our culture affect our sexuality?  Because culture is such a wide term; it is our country of birth, our sub-culture, family of origin culture, religion, and even cultural influences we have picked up whilst travelling and living in other countries.

For me that is, personally, very eclectic.  I was raised in Croatia which is mainly a Catholic country but my parents were open-minded to other influences and religion was never a one way street in my house whilst growing up.  I lived in England for over 15 years, have travelled extensively around the world and recently moved to Munich, Bavaria.  Bavaria is, culturally and religiously, predominately Catholic and as such similar to my country of birth.

Of course, my culture and background has had an influence on my sexuality, but I have also acquired things along the way from different cultures and peoples I have come in contact with.  And, let’s not forget that for all of us, sexuality is not a constant but something that changes over our entire life span.

So, the above surveys are not only unfair (mainly on those men who appear to be the target samples), but one must wonder what is the purpose of questioning which culture, race or nationality make “the best lovers”.

As a therapist and somebody interested in all things sexual in humans, I would pose a different question :

What makes a good lover, or even the right lover, for you?

The question is, of course, a million dollar one and the answer more complex than any of us can even imagine.  And, as to the answer ... well, that is a royal can of worms that I will attempt to open soon ... but until that time consider for yourself what, in your opinion, makes a good lover, and the right lover, from your own perspective.

So, what is all the fuss about Willies?

There are many names for male genitals; some funny, some amusing, some puzzling and some even scary.  For the purposes of this article I will refer to them as Willies - as it is a playful and fun term to use for this very complex and often mis-understood part of the male body.  Here goes ...

Men cannot get away from their Willies, which “hang around and catch a breeze” and therefore they discover them very early in life.  Most men have a relatively good relationship with their genitals in their childhood but things can get trickier when they start to compare themselves with other boys at school, and they can’t help thinking “Is mine big enough, is it too big, is it the right shape and also, what about my testicles” ?

I find it very fascinating, as a therapist and a woman, to hear men talk about their private parts - but even more fascinated about the way women feel about the subject.

I was recently reminded of that when a male friend said to me “so why do women dislike Willies?” to which I responded something like “this is not true of all women” and he replied by saying “not all, but many have issues with them”.  I thought about his comments for a while after, and eventually had to admit that indeed, this might be the case for lots of women.  I remembered a number of my female clients who found their partners’ Willies unattractive or even ugly.  They didn’t like the texture, the smell and some of them where certainly not pleased with “all that white stuff that comes out”.  Ejaculate is definitely not on the menu for many women.

The question “why” naturally comes up.  Why is that part of our lover’s body unattractive to so many of us?  After all, a Willy is a part of the whole body and not a separate entity.  By rejecting that very important and cherished part of his body, are we not also rejecting him?

In turn, we as women would like to be accepted as a whole and for all our body parts to be admired and loved.  Some women even enjoy and encourage their lovers to stroke and taste their genitals but are not able/willing to indulge their lovers.

So, what can be done about it - or more importantly - what can you do about it if you belong to the category “I am not really sure about his Willy”?  Firstly, you need to be prepared to look at the whole subject from a different perspective and adopt an alternative attitude.  Ask yourself - why don’t I like it?  Is it something that I heard in my childhood (what is my mother’s/family attitude to it), is it something I read in the newspapers, or heard on the TV or Radio?  Maybe it is now time to adopt your own opinion about it and let go of myths which may have been created in the past.

Most importantly, communicate with your partner.  Be open in explaining how you feel and why you might feel that way, but also ask him about his relationship with his genitals.  Ask him what he likes/likes less, how he likes to be touched and where.

So, the next time you look at his Willy be prepared to view it in a slightly, if not completely, different light – but don’t ever reach for the magnifying glass, as this may not go down too well ...

So ... who is responsible for my orgasm ?

Often in everyday life, in the media and from my clients, I hear the words “I don’t know how to give her an orgasm” or “He cannot give me an orgasm”.  It certainly appears to be more often the case that men think they ought to know how to supply women with orgasms, and many women have become expecting of men to give them orgasms.

So are orgasms something given to us, or something we can - just like that - give to others ?

I think it is a shame that many people, especially women, believe this to be very much the case.  And I am not sure where this belief comes from ... expecting someone else to press all our buttons and figure out how, when, of what and how much we like ?  If we were talking about anything else but sex we will surely protest and declare that we know what we like and how we like it ... our food, our clothes, our holidays etc.

 Don’t get me wrong, men are not completely innocent when it comes to sharing what they want and like sexually.  The difference, in my opinion, is that most men do know what they like sexually but do not share their desires.  On the other hand, most women get stuck at the first hurdle of not knowing what they like sexually, for fear of trying to figure out what they might, or might not enjoy.  

So, while we are not always sure what we want - we expect our lovers to know exactly how, when and where to touch us, and even have the intuition to know when not to touch us!  Does this sound familiar, and even somewhat of a paradox ?

I often say that “we are individually responsible for our own pleasure, and our own orgasms” and this usually results in the few raised eyebrows.  What I mean here is that we need to start with ourselves and find out our own likes and dislikes. We need to learn what turns us on, and off, and then share this delicate information with our lovers - because no-one is a mind reader and none of us are born with an instinct to know what another likes sexually.

The myths of “good girls don’t tell and don’t ask for what they want” and “men should know how to please their partner” should be replaced by “if I don’t know, how can I tell ?” and “if I don’t tell, how will I ever realise my sexual potential or get much pleasure out of sex ?”.

So ... girls and boys ... the choice is yours !

So ... girls to look or not to look?

As a psychosexual therapist I often deliver sexuality and sexual education workshops to the wider public. I have delivered many training days to male, female and mixed gender groups. The groups consisted of people of all ages - ranging from as young as 16 to over 70 years old – which gave me a wide insight into thoughts and viewpoints.

One of the topics which surfaces frequently is the different relationship men and women have with their genitals. Of course, there is a big difference between the sexes ... in males, genitals are external and boys from an early age cannot ignore the fact that their “willy” is there, just hanging around. In females, the situation is quite different. “Private parts” are hidden and for lots of girls, invisible.

Girls often observe their mothers looking in the mirror, fixing their hair or make-up. They are told to go and look in the mirror whilst washing their face. Girls also spend a considerable amount of time looking at themselves in the mirror. But, one thing, as girls, we are never told to look at in the mirror – is our genitals. That part of our body is hardly ever mentioned, let alone observed.

So, let’s fast forward some 10-20 years when the girl becomes a woman. Unfortunately, for lots of women they are still none the wiser when it comes to their genitals. When I ask women in my workshops if they have ever looked at their vaginas a large number say that they never have. Some who have, would only do so to see if everything was ok or to attend to an itch, burn, pain, or some form of discomfort. Some women also only ever look when heavily pregnant. So, it seems that most women only look when “something is wrong or unusual”. Looking “down under” is rarely about exploration, curiosity, intrigue, excitement, or admiration.

So, why is it that as women we rarely look and explore that area, yet at the same time we have become preoccupied with our external looks? Does it fall under the category of “101 things my Mother never told me - but should have” or do we find that part so far removed from who we are?

So, the next time you feel like it, consider spending some time with yourself - and have a look. It will take courage (especially if it is your first time), it might be scary at first but you might be surprised and find yourself amazed at how you really look down there. And, just remember we are all different and that is the beauty of it!!