So, what is all the fuss about masturbation?

I have to be honest and say that I have been postponing writing about the above subject for couple of weeks now.  Just the word itself is often avoided and brings up different feelings for all of us.  But really, what is all the fuss about?

If you search the internet for the word “masturbation”, Wikipedia has a very good analysis from different angles and viewpoints – that being the case, ask yourself when was the last time you heard somebody talking about masturbation?

I often have to stop and think before talking about sex, let alone masturbation, when socializing.  I often need to remind myself that what I do for living makes it easy for me to talk about a broad range of sexual topics, but this does not mean of course that other people find these topics “easy on the ear”.

But let’s just think and imagine how much fun it might be if we could talk about masturbation to our male and female friends.  How liberating might that feel?  We could share our knowledge and experience and they could share theirs; we could all learn so much more.

By not talking about it we are leaving it covered in a veil of secrecy, something that does and should remain hidden and as such often interpreted as naughty, dirty, sinful etc.  So where does the notion of “some things are better left unsaid” come from?  Of course, we could look at different cultures, religions, the way we were brought up, and our families’ attitude to masturbation.  All of these would give us some answers to why this attitude pervades, but not the whole picture.

So, could it be that the answer lies within us as individuals, for not giving ourselves permission to engage with our feelings?

When clients speak to me about their masturbation history and habits, they often use expressions like “I feel dirty” or “it feels sinful”.  When I explore these feelings with them and try to examine what that might be all about, they often get stuck in dissecting why they might feel that way. They might not be particularly religious, and therefore would not have been given negative messages about masturbation while growing up.  So what’s up ?

I often try to put it in very simple terms “Why is touching your own body bad?” We touch other parts of our body for comfort and pleasure, we have massages and pay other people to touch our bodies but we somehow judge ourselves for allowing ourselves to touch our own genitals and erogenous zones.  If touching our own body to give ourselves pleasure is bad, then what about eating chocolate, or cakes, or drinking wine, or having a massage or a pedicure?  Those are things we do not need to do to survive, but we do them for pure enjoyment and pleasure.

So what I propose is to think about, and talk about, the simple pleasure of self-pleasuring - because if we don’t tackle this most natural desire in a pragmatic way it will remain hidden, secretive and something that “dirty old men do” for generations to come.

And we all know that is not the truth, don’t we ?

So, who is your ideal sexual partner?

This question always brings a smile to my face.

As a psychotherapist who sees people with sexual difficulties, one of the many questions I ask - and sometimes I do ask a lot of questions - is who would be their ideal sexual partner.  My clients usually become silent and give me a long look, not being really sure what I am asking them.

Some clients ask me to clarify the question, and I think that some of them might even think that it is a trick question or that there is a right or wrong answer.

Some clients are very sure about the question and respond by saying “You mean like George Clooney/Brad Pitt or Halle Berry/Charlize Theron?”

These responses make me reflect and ask myself - how could it be that we have all somehow got caught up in the idea of what the media wants us to believe is the idea of attractive, sexy and beautiful?  If individuals are frequently promoted by the media as successful and wealthy, does that mean that they are more sexually potent?  Going further with this, how could it be possible that somebody who meets those criteria would make us feel a certain way, and that a sexual encounter with such a person would somehow be mind blowing?

So OK, let’s explore this a bit further ... first of all it is important to understand and accept that there is no perfect or ideal sexual partner.  What I mean is that no one person can embody perfection because perfection does not exist.  Some people are universally accepted as being beautiful, attractive, sexy etc. but even here, personal preferences differ.  If I had to choose, I would much rather have a romantic dinner with Bruce Springsteen than Brad Pitt (but enough about my fantasy) and I am sure all of you have your personal preferences and daydreams.

The question I ask my clients is “what is your ideal sexual encounter and how would you feel with that person”.  It is not necessarily about what that person looks like, and not necessarily how they make us feel, but it is much more about how we feel at that moment in time.  So, for some people it is about the smells and sounds around them, about how and where they are touched, kissed or stimulated.  Of course, we should never forget that it is also about the interaction between two people and the powerful desire to feed on sexual pleasure from each other.

So, next time you read a magazine with title of “Who is you perfect sexual partner” you can just smile in the knowledge that ”beautiful people” do not equal fantastic sex.  The secret to a good sexual experience is knowing what you want and need, and sharing that with your sexual partners.

So, who wants a designer vagina?

If somebody mentioned to you the word “labiaplasty”, you might need to think twice what the meaning of it might be.  Is it a new first-aid treatment for minor cuts and abrasions, or perhaps a fashion accessory?  It is neither, but your second guess would be closer to the real meaning.

Labiaplasty is actually a term for surgery involving the reduction in size of the labia majora and/or minora - the external folds of skin surrounding, and protecting, the structures of the vulva. The medical and sociologic reasons for labial reduction include the correction of labial damage occurring during childbirth, the elimination of pain and discomfort consequent to larger or enlarged labia, and for personal, aesthetic reasons under the banner of cosmetic surgery.

Should we be surprised that such a procedure exists?

I personally don’t think so. As humans, we have been experimenting with our bodies for centuries and an entire medical science, or to be more accurate – industry - has grown out of this in recent decades.  So, it was only a matter of time before we tried to industrially process our genitals.  And while men appear to be more focused on the size of their penises and aim for the XL model when considering genital plastic surgery, a woman’s perspective is somewhat different.

For women, it is about the reduction and beautification of their labias.  So, the inevitable question is Why ? What is the desired model of the perfect vagina or “designer vagina”, as the tabloids might call it?  The answer to that question is very simple – there is no such thing as perfectly formed labia.  Just like our faces, they are all formed from the same basic ingredients, but as nature intended, come with many variations in shape, size and colour.

It is the truth that, for many years, women did not have any real images of other women’s genitals to refer to and the majority of women believe to this day that, in some way, their genitals are not quite “normal”.

I recently read an article addressing the increase in labiaplasty procedures performed on younger women, opting for it for purely esthetic reason. The article also suggested that blame should be pointed at the pornography industry, which is where young women acquire the idea of the “designer vagina” being essential.  Some blame is also pointed at men for needing/wanting their partners to have young, trim and perfect looking labias.  I feel this to be somewhat simplistic, and an unfair answer to the problem.

The reason why any individual woman might choose to have her labia trimmed is very personal and will differ from person to person.  The fact that there are many unpublicised side effects (one being loss of sensation which might affect sexual pleasure) does not appear to deter some women from taking the cosmetic approach.

On balance, I would like to view it as a personal choice - one that should be considered in depth, and one that plastic surgeons should not offer as a first choice.  But before even contemplating it yourself, have a look at the book “Femalia” by Joani Blank which will give you an amazing insight into the world of labia in all shapes and sizes.