So, what is all the fuss about masturbation?

I have to be honest and say that I have been postponing writing about the above subject for couple of weeks now.  Just the word itself is often avoided and brings up different feelings for all of us.  But really, what is all the fuss about?

If you search the internet for the word “masturbation”, Wikipedia has a very good analysis from different angles and viewpoints – that being the case, ask yourself when was the last time you heard somebody talking about masturbation?

I often have to stop and think before talking about sex, let alone masturbation, when socializing.  I often need to remind myself that what I do for living makes it easy for me to talk about a broad range of sexual topics, but this does not mean of course that other people find these topics “easy on the ear”.

But let’s just think and imagine how much fun it might be if we could talk about masturbation to our male and female friends.  How liberating might that feel?  We could share our knowledge and experience and they could share theirs; we could all learn so much more.

By not talking about it we are leaving it covered in a veil of secrecy, something that does and should remain hidden and as such often interpreted as naughty, dirty, sinful etc.  So where does the notion of “some things are better left unsaid” come from?  Of course, we could look at different cultures, religions, the way we were brought up, and our families’ attitude to masturbation.  All of these would give us some answers to why this attitude pervades, but not the whole picture.

So, could it be that the answer lies within us as individuals, for not giving ourselves permission to engage with our feelings?

When clients speak to me about their masturbation history and habits, they often use expressions like “I feel dirty” or “it feels sinful”.  When I explore these feelings with them and try to examine what that might be all about, they often get stuck in dissecting why they might feel that way. They might not be particularly religious, and therefore would not have been given negative messages about masturbation while growing up.  So what’s up ?

I often try to put it in very simple terms “Why is touching your own body bad?” We touch other parts of our body for comfort and pleasure, we have massages and pay other people to touch our bodies but we somehow judge ourselves for allowing ourselves to touch our own genitals and erogenous zones.  If touching our own body to give ourselves pleasure is bad, then what about eating chocolate, or cakes, or drinking wine, or having a massage or a pedicure?  Those are things we do not need to do to survive, but we do them for pure enjoyment and pleasure.

So what I propose is to think about, and talk about, the simple pleasure of self-pleasuring - because if we don’t tackle this most natural desire in a pragmatic way it will remain hidden, secretive and something that “dirty old men do” for generations to come.

And we all know that is not the truth, don’t we ?

So, who is your ideal sexual partner?

This question always brings a smile to my face.

As a psychotherapist who sees people with sexual difficulties, one of the many questions I ask - and sometimes I do ask a lot of questions - is who would be their ideal sexual partner.  My clients usually become silent and give me a long look, not being really sure what I am asking them.

Some clients ask me to clarify the question, and I think that some of them might even think that it is a trick question or that there is a right or wrong answer.

Some clients are very sure about the question and respond by saying “You mean like George Clooney/Brad Pitt or Halle Berry/Charlize Theron?”

These responses make me reflect and ask myself - how could it be that we have all somehow got caught up in the idea of what the media wants us to believe is the idea of attractive, sexy and beautiful?  If individuals are frequently promoted by the media as successful and wealthy, does that mean that they are more sexually potent?  Going further with this, how could it be possible that somebody who meets those criteria would make us feel a certain way, and that a sexual encounter with such a person would somehow be mind blowing?

So OK, let’s explore this a bit further ... first of all it is important to understand and accept that there is no perfect or ideal sexual partner.  What I mean is that no one person can embody perfection because perfection does not exist.  Some people are universally accepted as being beautiful, attractive, sexy etc. but even here, personal preferences differ.  If I had to choose, I would much rather have a romantic dinner with Bruce Springsteen than Brad Pitt (but enough about my fantasy) and I am sure all of you have your personal preferences and daydreams.

The question I ask my clients is “what is your ideal sexual encounter and how would you feel with that person”.  It is not necessarily about what that person looks like, and not necessarily how they make us feel, but it is much more about how we feel at that moment in time.  So, for some people it is about the smells and sounds around them, about how and where they are touched, kissed or stimulated.  Of course, we should never forget that it is also about the interaction between two people and the powerful desire to feed on sexual pleasure from each other.

So, next time you read a magazine with title of “Who is you perfect sexual partner” you can just smile in the knowledge that ”beautiful people” do not equal fantastic sex.  The secret to a good sexual experience is knowing what you want and need, and sharing that with your sexual partners.

So, who wants a designer vagina?

If somebody mentioned to you the word “labiaplasty”, you might need to think twice what the meaning of it might be.  Is it a new first-aid treatment for minor cuts and abrasions, or perhaps a fashion accessory?  It is neither, but your second guess would be closer to the real meaning.

Labiaplasty is actually a term for surgery involving the reduction in size of the labia majora and/or minora - the external folds of skin surrounding, and protecting, the structures of the vulva. The medical and sociologic reasons for labial reduction include the correction of labial damage occurring during childbirth, the elimination of pain and discomfort consequent to larger or enlarged labia, and for personal, aesthetic reasons under the banner of cosmetic surgery.

Should we be surprised that such a procedure exists?

I personally don’t think so. As humans, we have been experimenting with our bodies for centuries and an entire medical science, or to be more accurate – industry - has grown out of this in recent decades.  So, it was only a matter of time before we tried to industrially process our genitals.  And while men appear to be more focused on the size of their penises and aim for the XL model when considering genital plastic surgery, a woman’s perspective is somewhat different.

For women, it is about the reduction and beautification of their labias.  So, the inevitable question is Why ? What is the desired model of the perfect vagina or “designer vagina”, as the tabloids might call it?  The answer to that question is very simple – there is no such thing as perfectly formed labia.  Just like our faces, they are all formed from the same basic ingredients, but as nature intended, come with many variations in shape, size and colour.

It is the truth that, for many years, women did not have any real images of other women’s genitals to refer to and the majority of women believe to this day that, in some way, their genitals are not quite “normal”.

I recently read an article addressing the increase in labiaplasty procedures performed on younger women, opting for it for purely esthetic reason. The article also suggested that blame should be pointed at the pornography industry, which is where young women acquire the idea of the “designer vagina” being essential.  Some blame is also pointed at men for needing/wanting their partners to have young, trim and perfect looking labias.  I feel this to be somewhat simplistic, and an unfair answer to the problem.

The reason why any individual woman might choose to have her labia trimmed is very personal and will differ from person to person.  The fact that there are many unpublicised side effects (one being loss of sensation which might affect sexual pleasure) does not appear to deter some women from taking the cosmetic approach.

On balance, I would like to view it as a personal choice - one that should be considered in depth, and one that plastic surgeons should not offer as a first choice.  But before even contemplating it yourself, have a look at the book “Femalia” by Joani Blank which will give you an amazing insight into the world of labia in all shapes and sizes.

So, to squeeze or not to squeeze ?

Most women these days (and some men) know about Kegel or Pelvic floor exercises - though that was not the case some 10-15 years ago when it appeared to be a closely guarded secret of more sexually aware women.  But thanks to the media and a very famous episode of “Sex and the City” more of us are becoming aware of that magic muscle that we should exercise.

A Kegel exercise consists of contracting and relaxing the muscles that form part of the pelvic floor, or in simple terms, the muscles that stop the flow of urine. The advice given is that you should exercise daily, repeating for 20-40 times in duration, twice a day.

There are number of good reasons for ladies “to Kegel” :

·         during pregnancy to prepare for child birth

·         to gain some level of improvement with urinary incontinence

·         to help prevent the prolapse of pelvic organs

Something that is surprisingly less well known is that Kegel exercises are also beneficial for men’s bladder and bowel control, proving a powerful weapon to combat incontinence.

As a sex therapist, I have been recommending these exercises to men and women for years. Apart from the above proven health benefits, Kegels are very good for sexual well being.  The exercises help women (and men) get in touch with their own sexual functioning, and help build a level of confidence which can later be shared with their partner.  It can provide men with stronger erections, and it has a proven success rate in rectifying erection difficulties and premature ejaculation.

For both men and women, stronger Kegel muscles might also mean stronger and sometimes multiple orgasms - do I still have your attention ?!

In France, following the birth of a child, women are offered free consultations with specialist practitioners who will help them get in trim “down below”.  And while some criticism of this approach might be directed at men for wanting/needing their women to get back in shape as quickly as possible, let’s not forget that benefits for us women are huge.

According to a recent survey, an increasing number of electrical devices are now being designed to help women tone their Kegel muscles – and sales of such devices are growing exponentially.  The choice to go high-tech is really down to personal preference, but to me it sounds like automation is the lazy way out.  It is like comparing exercising with a Power Plate to swimming in fresh water.  And let’s not forget that our body is there to be used, and you would be amazed what it can do for us if it is looked after correctly.

As I am finishing this post, and looking at the sun outside, I am doing my exercises ... the environmentally friendly way of course ... so how about you ?

So, how does our culture affects our sexuality?

We all have some level of awareness of the urban myths regarding which nationality makes the best/worst lovers.  It is also very interesting that the surveys on which such myths are based (however objectively the data are collected and analysed) usually relate to male and rarely to female sexual capabilities.

So, according to the latest surveys; German men top the list for being “too smelly”, followed by English who are “too lazy” and Swedish who are apparently “too quick”.  The best lovers, according to the same survey, are Spanish, Brazilian and Italian.  The survey was based on feedback from female travellers, who I guess, have travelled the globe and sampled different cultures (literally).

The above surveys are amusing, interesting and a point of discussion but for me leave a lot of open questions and therefore I wonder even more - how does our culture affect our sexuality?  Because culture is such a wide term; it is our country of birth, our sub-culture, family of origin culture, religion, and even cultural influences we have picked up whilst travelling and living in other countries.

For me that is, personally, very eclectic.  I was raised in Croatia which is mainly a Catholic country but my parents were open-minded to other influences and religion was never a one way street in my house whilst growing up.  I lived in England for over 15 years, have travelled extensively around the world and recently moved to Munich, Bavaria.  Bavaria is, culturally and religiously, predominately Catholic and as such similar to my country of birth.

Of course, my culture and background has had an influence on my sexuality, but I have also acquired things along the way from different cultures and peoples I have come in contact with.  And, let’s not forget that for all of us, sexuality is not a constant but something that changes over our entire life span.

So, the above surveys are not only unfair (mainly on those men who appear to be the target samples), but one must wonder what is the purpose of questioning which culture, race or nationality make “the best lovers”.

As a therapist and somebody interested in all things sexual in humans, I would pose a different question :

What makes a good lover, or even the right lover, for you?

The question is, of course, a million dollar one and the answer more complex than any of us can even imagine.  And, as to the answer ... well, that is a royal can of worms that I will attempt to open soon ... but until that time consider for yourself what, in your opinion, makes a good lover, and the right lover, from your own perspective.

So, what is all the fuss about Willies?

There are many names for male genitals; some funny, some amusing, some puzzling and some even scary.  For the purposes of this article I will refer to them as Willies - as it is a playful and fun term to use for this very complex and often mis-understood part of the male body.  Here goes ...

Men cannot get away from their Willies, which “hang around and catch a breeze” and therefore they discover them very early in life.  Most men have a relatively good relationship with their genitals in their childhood but things can get trickier when they start to compare themselves with other boys at school, and they can’t help thinking “Is mine big enough, is it too big, is it the right shape and also, what about my testicles” ?

I find it very fascinating, as a therapist and a woman, to hear men talk about their private parts - but even more fascinated about the way women feel about the subject.

I was recently reminded of that when a male friend said to me “so why do women dislike Willies?” to which I responded something like “this is not true of all women” and he replied by saying “not all, but many have issues with them”.  I thought about his comments for a while after, and eventually had to admit that indeed, this might be the case for lots of women.  I remembered a number of my female clients who found their partners’ Willies unattractive or even ugly.  They didn’t like the texture, the smell and some of them where certainly not pleased with “all that white stuff that comes out”.  Ejaculate is definitely not on the menu for many women.

The question “why” naturally comes up.  Why is that part of our lover’s body unattractive to so many of us?  After all, a Willy is a part of the whole body and not a separate entity.  By rejecting that very important and cherished part of his body, are we not also rejecting him?

In turn, we as women would like to be accepted as a whole and for all our body parts to be admired and loved.  Some women even enjoy and encourage their lovers to stroke and taste their genitals but are not able/willing to indulge their lovers.

So, what can be done about it - or more importantly - what can you do about it if you belong to the category “I am not really sure about his Willy”?  Firstly, you need to be prepared to look at the whole subject from a different perspective and adopt an alternative attitude.  Ask yourself - why don’t I like it?  Is it something that I heard in my childhood (what is my mother’s/family attitude to it), is it something I read in the newspapers, or heard on the TV or Radio?  Maybe it is now time to adopt your own opinion about it and let go of myths which may have been created in the past.

Most importantly, communicate with your partner.  Be open in explaining how you feel and why you might feel that way, but also ask him about his relationship with his genitals.  Ask him what he likes/likes less, how he likes to be touched and where.

So, the next time you look at his Willy be prepared to view it in a slightly, if not completely, different light – but don’t ever reach for the magnifying glass, as this may not go down too well ...

So ... who is responsible for my orgasm ?

Often in everyday life, in the media and from my clients, I hear the words “I don’t know how to give her an orgasm” or “He cannot give me an orgasm”.  It certainly appears to be more often the case that men think they ought to know how to supply women with orgasms, and many women have become expecting of men to give them orgasms.

So are orgasms something given to us, or something we can - just like that - give to others ?

I think it is a shame that many people, especially women, believe this to be very much the case.  And I am not sure where this belief comes from ... expecting someone else to press all our buttons and figure out how, when, of what and how much we like ?  If we were talking about anything else but sex we will surely protest and declare that we know what we like and how we like it ... our food, our clothes, our holidays etc.

 Don’t get me wrong, men are not completely innocent when it comes to sharing what they want and like sexually.  The difference, in my opinion, is that most men do know what they like sexually but do not share their desires.  On the other hand, most women get stuck at the first hurdle of not knowing what they like sexually, for fear of trying to figure out what they might, or might not enjoy.  

So, while we are not always sure what we want - we expect our lovers to know exactly how, when and where to touch us, and even have the intuition to know when not to touch us!  Does this sound familiar, and even somewhat of a paradox ?

I often say that “we are individually responsible for our own pleasure, and our own orgasms” and this usually results in the few raised eyebrows.  What I mean here is that we need to start with ourselves and find out our own likes and dislikes. We need to learn what turns us on, and off, and then share this delicate information with our lovers - because no-one is a mind reader and none of us are born with an instinct to know what another likes sexually.

The myths of “good girls don’t tell and don’t ask for what they want” and “men should know how to please their partner” should be replaced by “if I don’t know, how can I tell ?” and “if I don’t tell, how will I ever realise my sexual potential or get much pleasure out of sex ?”.

So ... girls and boys ... the choice is yours !