So, what is all the fuss about Willies?

There are many names for male genitals; some funny, some amusing, some puzzling and some even scary.  For the purposes of this article I will refer to them as Willies - as it is a playful and fun term to use for this very complex and often mis-understood part of the male body.  Here goes ...

Men cannot get away from their Willies, which “hang around and catch a breeze” and therefore they discover them very early in life.  Most men have a relatively good relationship with their genitals in their childhood but things can get trickier when they start to compare themselves with other boys at school, and they can’t help thinking “Is mine big enough, is it too big, is it the right shape and also, what about my testicles” ?

I find it very fascinating, as a therapist and a woman, to hear men talk about their private parts - but even more fascinated about the way women feel about the subject.

I was recently reminded of that when a male friend said to me “so why do women dislike Willies?” to which I responded something like “this is not true of all women” and he replied by saying “not all, but many have issues with them”.  I thought about his comments for a while after, and eventually had to admit that indeed, this might be the case for lots of women.  I remembered a number of my female clients who found their partners’ Willies unattractive or even ugly.  They didn’t like the texture, the smell and some of them where certainly not pleased with “all that white stuff that comes out”.  Ejaculate is definitely not on the menu for many women.

The question “why” naturally comes up.  Why is that part of our lover’s body unattractive to so many of us?  After all, a Willy is a part of the whole body and not a separate entity.  By rejecting that very important and cherished part of his body, are we not also rejecting him?

In turn, we as women would like to be accepted as a whole and for all our body parts to be admired and loved.  Some women even enjoy and encourage their lovers to stroke and taste their genitals but are not able/willing to indulge their lovers.

So, what can be done about it - or more importantly - what can you do about it if you belong to the category “I am not really sure about his Willy”?  Firstly, you need to be prepared to look at the whole subject from a different perspective and adopt an alternative attitude.  Ask yourself - why don’t I like it?  Is it something that I heard in my childhood (what is my mother’s/family attitude to it), is it something I read in the newspapers, or heard on the TV or Radio?  Maybe it is now time to adopt your own opinion about it and let go of myths which may have been created in the past.

Most importantly, communicate with your partner.  Be open in explaining how you feel and why you might feel that way, but also ask him about his relationship with his genitals.  Ask him what he likes/likes less, how he likes to be touched and where.

So, the next time you look at his Willy be prepared to view it in a slightly, if not completely, different light – but don’t ever reach for the magnifying glass, as this may not go down too well ...

So ... who is responsible for my orgasm ?

Often in everyday life, in the media and from my clients, I hear the words “I don’t know how to give her an orgasm” or “He cannot give me an orgasm”.  It certainly appears to be more often the case that men think they ought to know how to supply women with orgasms, and many women have become expecting of men to give them orgasms.

So are orgasms something given to us, or something we can - just like that - give to others ?

I think it is a shame that many people, especially women, believe this to be very much the case.  And I am not sure where this belief comes from ... expecting someone else to press all our buttons and figure out how, when, of what and how much we like ?  If we were talking about anything else but sex we will surely protest and declare that we know what we like and how we like it ... our food, our clothes, our holidays etc.

 Don’t get me wrong, men are not completely innocent when it comes to sharing what they want and like sexually.  The difference, in my opinion, is that most men do know what they like sexually but do not share their desires.  On the other hand, most women get stuck at the first hurdle of not knowing what they like sexually, for fear of trying to figure out what they might, or might not enjoy.  

So, while we are not always sure what we want - we expect our lovers to know exactly how, when and where to touch us, and even have the intuition to know when not to touch us!  Does this sound familiar, and even somewhat of a paradox ?

I often say that “we are individually responsible for our own pleasure, and our own orgasms” and this usually results in the few raised eyebrows.  What I mean here is that we need to start with ourselves and find out our own likes and dislikes. We need to learn what turns us on, and off, and then share this delicate information with our lovers - because no-one is a mind reader and none of us are born with an instinct to know what another likes sexually.

The myths of “good girls don’t tell and don’t ask for what they want” and “men should know how to please their partner” should be replaced by “if I don’t know, how can I tell ?” and “if I don’t tell, how will I ever realise my sexual potential or get much pleasure out of sex ?”.

So ... girls and boys ... the choice is yours !

So ... girls to look or not to look?

As a psychosexual therapist I often deliver sexuality and sexual education workshops to the wider public. I have delivered many training days to male, female and mixed gender groups. The groups consisted of people of all ages - ranging from as young as 16 to over 70 years old – which gave me a wide insight into thoughts and viewpoints.

One of the topics which surfaces frequently is the different relationship men and women have with their genitals. Of course, there is a big difference between the sexes ... in males, genitals are external and boys from an early age cannot ignore the fact that their “willy” is there, just hanging around. In females, the situation is quite different. “Private parts” are hidden and for lots of girls, invisible.

Girls often observe their mothers looking in the mirror, fixing their hair or make-up. They are told to go and look in the mirror whilst washing their face. Girls also spend a considerable amount of time looking at themselves in the mirror. But, one thing, as girls, we are never told to look at in the mirror – is our genitals. That part of our body is hardly ever mentioned, let alone observed.

So, let’s fast forward some 10-20 years when the girl becomes a woman. Unfortunately, for lots of women they are still none the wiser when it comes to their genitals. When I ask women in my workshops if they have ever looked at their vaginas a large number say that they never have. Some who have, would only do so to see if everything was ok or to attend to an itch, burn, pain, or some form of discomfort. Some women also only ever look when heavily pregnant. So, it seems that most women only look when “something is wrong or unusual”. Looking “down under” is rarely about exploration, curiosity, intrigue, excitement, or admiration.

So, why is it that as women we rarely look and explore that area, yet at the same time we have become preoccupied with our external looks? Does it fall under the category of “101 things my Mother never told me - but should have” or do we find that part so far removed from who we are?

So, the next time you feel like it, consider spending some time with yourself - and have a look. It will take courage (especially if it is your first time), it might be scary at first but you might be surprised and find yourself amazed at how you really look down there. And, just remember we are all different and that is the beauty of it!!

So, let’s talk about sex ...

I talk about sex a lot; as a sex /psychosexual therapist it is my job to ask questions.  I ask my male and female clients and couples alike to tell me very intimate details about their lives.  I ask about their childhoods, their parents, their siblings, their relationships and, of course, I ask them about sex.

But I do need to constantly keep myself in check and always try to put myself in “my client’s shoes” wondering what must be like to be asked the most intimate questions and share sexual thoughts, feelings and practices with a stranger (well, almost a stranger).

And I never take it for granted; my clients have given me so much knowledge and insight into the female and male perspective on sex and sexuality.  I have learned and continue to learn so much.  I am especially grateful for the insight from my male clients - insight that I, as a woman, never had before and that most women will never have.  So, I feel privileged that men have opened up and told me about how they feel about their penises, about how they learned to masturbate, how they often compared their penises to other boys growing up ... how they fear they are not big enough, small enough or good enough when it comes to sex.

Yes, it is true ... both women and men have insecurities, secrets and anxieties about themselves as sexual beings and with sex as a whole.  So, why are we so confused when it comes to sex?  It has been said that sex is our oldest obsession.  We do obsess about it, read about it, are intrigued and also scared by it.  Some women tell me that they occasionally speak about sex with their girlfriends ... yet interestingly enough, men also tell me that sex is not discussed in any depth with their male friends.

Is that where the problem might be?

Might it be that we are just uncomfortable about sharing sexual things with people around us; who don’t (or won’t) ask, so we don’t (or won’t) tell?  So, what I propose is that we do exactly that; we ask questions about it and we do share when we feel it is right.  This should especially be the case with men and women. If we ask, and share, we will learn so much more about ourselves and about the opposite sex.  I know I will continue to ask questions about sex, and continue to be fascinated by what I learn.

So ...What do you do for living ?

In social or work related situations, what is the most common question people ask you ?

Generally, the question “what do you do for living” would often be asked when meeting people for the first time ...

It often reminds me of an occasion when I attended a friend’s birthday party few years ago. As I was being introduced to some of the people, the inevitable question of one’s occupation/job came up, but before I even had a chance to answer the question my friend responded ‘Monika is a sex therapist’.

Some people around me made a sharp exit, or began giggling, and a few inquisitive ones started to ask questions.  I remember standing there not sure how I felt being introduced as a sex therapist.  What my friend called me was not entirely inaccurate, but the fact that it was said by somebody else and the expression on people’s faces was something that left me wondering.

We have all met people of different professions and more traditional trades such as carpenters, teachers, nurses, social workers - even funeral directors and professional gamblers.

What we do, for most of us, is just a part of our identity and not who we are as a whole person. We are friends, husbands, wives, children, parents – and lovers - among other things. But inevitably the question of what we do for living will come up more often than any other topic.

Part of who I am and what I do is a psychotherapist, sex therapist, counsellor and couple therapist. To this day the mention of “sex therapist” still brings different (and still sometimes unexpected) reactions from people.

So, I am still left wondering - what is it about the word sex that makes people react in such a way ?

Welcome

I am a psychosexual and couple therapist working in the field of sexual health for the past 12 years. I am passonate about sexual issues and sexuality and feel everybody deserves a good sexual life. My work involves helping people reach their potential and deal with their sexual difficulties.

I hope my blog will help you on your way....